NBA Draft ’12: The ‘Mock’

1st pick – New Orleans Hornets – Anthony Davis 

Thanks for letting me have the first overall pick. I assume it’s mostly out of pity, but I’ll take it.

With the first overall pick, the Hornets have to pick Anthony Davis. This kid is a superstar in the making. He’s got the confidence of a Demarcus Russell, but with ACTUAL talent. He also trademarked the phrases “Fear the Brow” and “Raise the Brow” but he failed to trademark “The Brow, The Brow, The Brow is on fire”.

Side Note… After writing that, I think the Hornets need to hire the NBA Jam announcer.

This is a no brainer, you have to be Demarcus Russell to bumble this pick. Let’s hope the Hornets brain trust stay away from thePurple Drank.

 2nd pick – Charlotte Bobcats – Michael Kidd-Gilchrist

He was the 2nd best player on the best team in College basketball. He did everything that was needed when it was needed. He plays defense and is maniacal enough to develop an offensive game. With Jordan quipping in his ear, he can be damn good. Although I agree that Charlotte should trade this pick as they need more than one player. 

I think the only way Michael Kidd-Gilchrist goes 2nd overall is when Charlotte trades that pick to Cleveland for their 2 first round picks in this year’s draft.

3rd pick – Washington Bullets/Wizards – Bradley Beal

This was a tough choice… Beal isn’t the best player available at this spot, but when you trade for Trevor Ariza and Emeka Okafor, there’s no reason you should be taking either Thomas Robinson or Harrison Barnes. Unfortunately, I think that the Bullets/Wizards management shot themselves in the foot, pun intended. How did that conversation go? “Hey, since we haven’t paid anybody 60Million this year to not play for us, we should trade 1 terrible contract for 2 terrible contracts”.

They have been masters at trading away/for bad contracts, at least this one landed  2 bad contracts that can actually play basketball for the price of 1. And you’re wrong, I don’t like when teams with players who need the ball in their hands (Wall) get more players who need the ball in their hands (ex. Kings). I love the idea of Thomas Robinson because no one is a PG’s best friend quite like a good PF.

4th pick – Cleveland Cavaliers – Harrison Barnes

Him and Kyrie are good friends and Barnes needs an elite PG to feed him the ball (see Marshall when he started for UNC). The next best players are post men and they don’t need that with the Sideshow Bob and Tristan “refuse to play for Team Canada” Thompson (seriously, we need him). Barnes will join the group of players in Cleveland ooing and ahhing as Kyrie will continue to kill defenses. Barnes will be a great catch and shoot option, also he may surprise you with a move or two.

I really want to argue your pick there, but I can’t… Barnes is a good fit. The best part about this pick is Dan Gilbert releasing another letter in Comic Sans font to say how “Cleveland Rocks” again… With the current “nerd/hipster” look that the NBA has going on, all of the Cavs players can rock the Drew Carey Glasses. I need to break this down real quick:

Drew Carey = Kyrie Irving
Kate = Harrison Barnes
Mimi = Verajo
Oswald = Tristan Thompson
Lewis = Luke Walton
Nigel =  Dan Gilbert

5th pick– Sacremento Kings – Thomas Robinson

I know the Kings don’t really “need” another big-man because you’ve got your “Superstar” in DeMarcus Cousins, but Thomas Robinson is probably the best player in the draft at this moment. You have to take him. With Tyreke Evans, Jimmer Freddette and hopefully an emergence of Tyler Honeycutt, having Cousins and Robinson down low could give you a legimate starting 5 to be a 500 team and eventually move out of Sacremento. Wait, is that what they’re going for?

Hello Seattle! They’d love Thomas Robinson, it will give them Kemp flashbacks. I agree, teams always dilly and dally on this, but they must pick the best man on the board. However, in playing fake GM, I would trade that pick to Houston and pick up Scola’s greasy hair and two of their picks, or: #5 pick + Evans to Charlotte for #2 pick and a member of their sub-supporting cast.

6th pick – Portland TrailBlazers – Damian Lillard

Dear Paul Allen,

These past 40 years have been exceptionally cruel. We’ve had 3 of the best centres in College basketball dawn Blazer’s red. Unfortunately, they all have had the quality of Mr. Glass. For the sake of our team and our fair city, please please do not pick another centre.


A lonely Blazer’s fan

P.S. if you do draft Andre Drummond, please use your money and influence to acquire the best medical professionals possible or legalize marijuana so we can cope with our never ending depression.

What?? How you not have the troubled Andre Drummond going to Portland… that’s where all Big Men go to die (not literally)… Bill Walton, Sam Bowie, Greg Oden… they HAVE to draft him! It’s law… Like Dinosaurs and Water.

7th pick – Golden State Warriors – Dion Waiters

This is a pretty easy pick for the Warriors… they can’t screw this up, can they? Dion Waters is the 2nd best SG in this draft, there’s no doubt about that. With Beal off the board, the Warriors need to make this pick. They have their big men covered (Bogut, Biedrins),  functional SF’s, a solid PF in Lee and an amazing PG in Curry. The only player I could see them taking over the Waiters is Austin Rivers. Curry Rivers sounds like a great Indian Restaurant, no?

I’m curious to see who you have our lonely Raptors picking.

You’re wrong, big men literally go to die in Portland (their careers anyways).

I like the Waiters pick, they have legit starters at every other position. But, would River’s feel more comfortable playing alongside another Curry? Seth can come in next year and make it a Curry-Rivers-Curry backcourt. Del and Doc can get matching “our son plays for the Warriors” shirts. It would be fantastic. 

8th pick – Toronto Raptors – Austin Rivers

TRADE!!!! Call Houston, maybe they want to give up Lowry and the 12th for this one. Raptors need a PG to take Calderon out to pasture (ride anyone?). However for the sake of this “Mock” Draft, I’ll take Rivers. Under Casey, the Raps have shown to have a backbone, they were a premier defensive team with little offensive chops. Their best scorer is a big man who doesn’t play like a big man and DeRozan will never be that guy. Thus making an irrationally confident Subzero the best man for the job. Trading down to  12 can assure they get Rivers or Lamb in the draft while bolstering another needed position.

I like it… The Raptors need a “name” player, they’ve lost so many of them over the years. Trading down to get Rivers wouldn’t be a bad idea, this would be the most sensible thing they have done in the last 6 years at the draft… I still have Araujo nightmares.

9th pick – Detroit Pistons – John Henson

TRADE!!!!! Call the Lakers, get Pau. Prince and the 9th Pick for Pau and a 2nd rounder. Lakers could draft Henson here and clear some cap space, maybe find a new home for Barnes and Artest… Pau in Detriot also makes sense… they need a big-man threat. The Lakers get a solid “team” player and a guy who could probably play defence against Durant and a chance to try win another championship. Maybe I’m dreaming in Technicolor, but if Pau does want out, why not move him to a city that is VASTLY different then LA?

Even if little Buss wants to consciously ruin this team, this is not the trade the Lakers need. A proven big man for a Puppeteer? Detroit is young and have a legit big-man in Monroe; he needs additional help. The Puppeteer is logical, he will give them a legit defensive presence while easing Monroe’s load.

10th pick – New Orleans Hornets – Kendall Marshall

They need a player to get Davis and Gordon the ball and Marshall is a solid PG. He worked wonders with UNC when he was inserted into the starting line-up as a Freshman and their post-Marshall tournament collapse said more about his game then his actual game. Just stay off the Purple Drank, Marshall.

Kendall Marshall over Lamb… interesting… But The Hornets do need a great PG, allowing Gordon to move into a true SG role would be great for that team.

11th pick – Houston RocketsTyler Zeller

Because when a 7-ft big-man isn’t drafted by the Blazers, the world is just wrong. Zeller will be a solid fit for the Blazers and you chose  Lillard earlier in the draft, this is something they have to do. This move will either be great for the Blazers, or they’ll be spending the next 20 years trying to explain to all the soccer moms why they had Oden, Thabeet and Zeller in a 2-year span.

Fail, 11th goes to the Blazers. Stop watching Hockey and read that book on Basketball.

Drummond is still on the board, he goes before Zeller, hell, Detroit picks Drummond before the Puppeteer, making Zeller wait just a bit longer.

12th pick – Houston Rockets via Milwaukee Bucks – Andre Drummond

This is the sign of true unprofessionalism, Drummond is picked 12th. If this really happened, Darryl Morey may feel like David Stern is up to his old pranks. Once this pick is made, Stern will reveal his plan in saying “have you stopped beating your wife, Darryl?”

Drummond should go before Zeller… but this is Portland we’re talking about… PORTLAND… I don’t expect much from them. Drummond in Houston sounds like a good fit… he’ll do well until the Rockets get Yao Ming back with a bionic foot.

13th pick – Phoenix Suns – Jeremy Lamb

With Nash on his way out, the Suns need to start rebuilding; although Lamb failed both on the court and off while at UConn last year. I think he’ll be a solid player for the Suns for many years to come.

*Side Note, where does Nash end up? I’m thinking he goes to the Eastern Conference… Miami or New York would be my best guesses for Destinations.

*Nash goes to New York, then immediately retires citing “ignoramouses”.

Jeremy Lamb is legit, UConn’s title run would not have happened without him; the title game, a little less so.

14th pick – Milwaukee Bucks – Meyers Leonard

I have no idea who this person is, but the Bucks have a glaring whole in the centre position since they traded away Blazer’s protégé Bogut and picked up Dalembert who was last seen quitting on Team Canada. Leonard seems legit, big man with skills, critics gushing over him, which means he’s probably doomed to fail.

You mean the name Fab Melo wasn’t enough for the Bucks to pick him?

15th pick – Phialdelphia 76ers – Perry Jones III

This is the player that makes the most sense at this draft position. The 76ers need a legit PF and that is EXACTLY what Jones should be.

Thank god Brand’s contract expires next year… he’ll finally be an “ass”et for the 76ers.

PJIII is the best player on the board with an incredible skill set; and to think that he is unable to use them. He’s like a quadriplegic who owns a workshop.

16th pick – Houston Rockets – Jared Sullinger

Again, best player on the board who should be a top pick. Watching him play is a delight, unfortunately he has more junk in his trunk than a door-to-door salesman. After this pick, he should be rewarded with a gift certificate to Weight Watchers.

I have no idea how to even respond to that PJIII comment… Well done. I’m personally really high on Sullinger… I think he’ll be a decent PF in the NBA… and if all else falls he’ll marry Kim Kardashian so they can be the couple with the biggest asses in the history of the universe.

17th Pick – Dallas Mavericks – Fab Melo

Dallas is going to pick Fab Melo so they can send a centre back to Orlando for when they trade for Dwight Howard, right after they sign Deron Williams… LOCK IT DOWN!!

Funny, I have a different interpretation of the Howard sweepstakes.

18th pick – Houston Rockets – Terrence Ross

I feel I am Darryl Morey at this point. Terrence Ross gives them an extra asset on the wing, which they will use to package in a trade for Dwight Howard, where he will continue to bitch, whine and miss free throws.

I’m going to continue to this Terrence theme we have going on…

19th Pick – Orlando Magic – Terrence Jones

Once the magic FINALLY decide to trade Dwight Howard they’re going to need a guy that can switch between SF and PF. Since they’ll be getting Fab Melo and most of the mavs roster out of the deal, this makes the most sense.

You have no idea how much I love Terrence Jones, so much that it may or may not have been me that sent him that giant Teddy Bear holding that even larger heart-shaped box of chocolates decorated with tiny hearts. (Call me).

20th pick – Denver Nuggets – Arnett Moultrie

Let’s see if lightning can strike twice for Denver. Kenneth Faried became a fav for many, if Arnett can be half that, opposing teams might as well run back on defense when they miss a shot, avoiding rebounds like fellow all-stars did Magic in ‘92. Rodman would be the only man to challenge such rebounds, like he was the only man who challenged Magic.

Aaaaaaaand I think that’s a solid place to end our top 20 NBA lottery draft picks. Will we be right? Maybe… Will we be wrong? Probably… will we have done better then Rob Babcock.

I look forward to watching the draft and seeing if we’re right, more importantly… visiting PJIII’s workshop… I need to know how it works!

Thank you MC Peigs, aka Piga, aka Pigachu, aka Pieg and Lo, aka Jamie for your contribution.


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